Allow Yourself to Grieve!

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” 

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

It's not uncommon for us, as humans to experience loss in life, it could be intrinsic(personality, values, self identity, hopes, dreams etc.) or extrinsic(fame/title, wealth, family/loved ones, win/loss etc.), material or otherwise. Sometimes we cut our losses to make room for new. In fact, we all go through events of loss, several times during our lives. 

Some of those mean a lot to us, while others don't as much. Sometimes, we don't realize that we lost something, for we were so busy dealing with other important things in life, and then there are times when we are in complete denial that an event would even qualify as a loss because most of us like to be in control(of our lives), at least I do. Sometimes, we(at least I didn't) don't allow ourselves to grieve because it was not even a loss, at least that's what we(I) thought when that something happened, it was not so important after all. 

I am no psychologist but I recently realized that Grieving is such an integral part of our lives to recognize, accept, express and/or absorb the feelings of loss. Express or/and absorb, because like I said some people like to be in control. Expressing grief is not (always) easy, at least not for some people(including me). So people don't express grieve, they simply internalize it.

I remember seeing a friend cry, a while ago. We had a brief conversation and (s)he, mentioned how hard it is for him/her to express how they actually feel about the things that really matter. How hard it is for them to grieve! It can make you feel weak at a sub-conscious and/or conscious level. So you deny it for as long as you can.

But denial can only take you so far!

“If you desire healing,

let yourself fall ill

let yourself fall ill.” 

― Rumi

They say there are several stages of grief: denial, anger, bargain, depression and acceptance. They may occur in any order and you can go back and forth experiencing them. Once you allow yourself to experience all of these, you can retract your sense of normality again.

I encountered an event in November 2017. It was so profoundly unsettling that I was in constant denial, switching myself back to the person I was, before the event. I did speak to a (close)friend then but never let myself have enough time to think about the impact it had on me. But it sure did.  Every time I thought about the event, it made me uncomfortable. If I looked at something/someone that had anything to do with it, it triggered anxiety. If people would talk about something that is tangentially related to the topic, it would rattle my cage. But, it was mainly on a sub-conscious level, I did not allow myself to dig deeper and solve the root cause. I would simply do something to distract myself and put the thoughts and feelings on the back burner, yet another time.

At some level, it made me feel disengaged..

 

Image Courtesy - Pixabay

It was only recently, yesterday, so to speak, that I finally sat down to accept what was going on. I allowed myself to go back to that point in time, to feel what I should have let myself feel then, to believe that it was normal(& only human) to feel that way, to understand that it does not make you weak, just more so human. 

I believe in PTG(post traumatic growth) and that's how trauma/loss has always worked out for me. Every event has helped me grow and changed my life(positively of course), and I came out of it being a stronger person than I was before that thing occurred.

So, it all works out in the end, sooner or later...